Crafting a Winning Personal Statement: Not Your Average Guide

I am a multi-talented force of nature, with the ability to juggle chainsaws while riding a unicycle and singing opera. I once swam across the English Channel with a piano strapped to my back, and I’ve climbed Mount Everest in high heels.

I have an encyclopedic knowledge of 80’s pop music, and I can recite every episode of The Simpsons from memory. I speak five languages fluently, including Pig Latin and Klingon. I’m a black belt in karate, a chess grandmaster, and a nationally-ranked thumb wrestler.

I’ve run a marathon in a tutu, won a hot dog eating contest without breaking a sweat, and can solve a Rubik’s cube in under 30 seconds blindfolded. I’ve also written a bestselling cookbook, where every recipe features Spam as the main ingredient.

I’ve been invited to speak at the United Nations on the benefits of taking daily naps, and I once arm-wrestled the Dalai Lama to a tie. I’ve swam with sharks, bungee-jumped off the Eiffel Tower, and built a working time machine out of Lego.

I glide, I spin, I dash, I romp, and my debts are all settled. On weekends, to unwind, I engage in extreme interpretive dance. Ages ago, I uncovered the secret to eternal youth but misplaced the manual. I have created exquisite five-star feasts with only a toaster oven and a toothpick.

I cultivate championship-winning cacti. I have triumphed in arm-wrestling matches in Rio de Janeiro, skydiving championships in Madagascar, and Scrabble tournaments at the White House. I have starred in Phantom of the Opera, I have conducted brain surgery, and I have chatted with Bigfoot.

How To Spot A Female Narcissist

Right, so you want to know how to spot a female narcissist, eh? Well, first off, let's talk about their physical appearance. These ladies, they like to dress to impress, if you know what I mean. They flaunt their sexy bits and bobs, and they're always going on about their hair and makeup, even for the most mundane tasks. Now, here's the thing, research has shown that narcissists are no better looking than anyone else, but these ladies, they think they're the bees' knees, the cat's pyjamas, the whole enchilada.

They're also big fans of brand names, oh yes. They feel entitled to the best of the best, and they're always buying new clothes, even when they don't need them. And when it comes to plastic surgery, they're more likely to go under the knife for a boob job than anything else. They just love being the centre of attention, and they'll even get a professional photographer to snap them for Facebook or online dating. They just can't resist showing off their best pics, can they?

Now, let's talk about their personality, shall we? These ladies, they insist on being the star of the show. They're always the life and soul of the party, and they're very good at selling themselves. They're also very materialistic and have a real sense of entitlement. They think they're special and deserve all the fame, fortune, success, and happiness in the world.

But here's the thing, they're also prone to envy, and they just love to undermine others. They'll tell you all sorts of secrets about how the two of you are so much better than everyone else. And when their friends do well, they'll find ways to put them down and make them feel small. And empathy? Forget about it. These ladies lack empathy, common courtesy, and they'll put you down without a second thought. And if they can exploit you, they will. They're also super competitive and think they're smarter than everyone else.

Now, when things go wrong, they'll never take the blame. Oh no, it's always someone else's fault. And if you confront them, they'll act all haughty, impatient, and condescending. They'll make excuses for their behaviour, and they'll never admit to lying to get what they want. And if you reject them, watch out, because they can get a bit psycho. They'll engage in risky behaviours, they've got addictive personalities, and they're prone to aggressive behaviour.

And finally, their moods and actions can be pretty unpredictable. You'll have trouble figuring out what they want or where you stand. They're capable of short-term regret and can apologize profusely, but it won't be long before they're back to their old narcissistic ways.

So, there you have it. That's how you can spot a female narcissist. Keep your eyes peeled, folks!

Insane Words Of Wisdom

An interview with a homeless man in New York City beautifully reveals the meaning of life.

(Transcript below)

(Interviewer)
What do you think the meaning of life is?

(Homeless man)
To live in the mystery and to find purpose.
And to live in the now.
Magic.
Love.
Now

What's your most adventurous memory?

This, I remember this.
This is an adventure.
This is the memory.

What advice do you have for younger generations?

What advice do I have for younger generations?
Live in the moment.
Don't get old.
Don't judge people, because you can't be free if you judge people.
Love. Now.
Create.
Inspire.

How do you define freedom?

By doing what you love.

What do you love?

This. The moment.
Love. Now.
It repeats.

What other advice do you have for us?

That you're always doing what's in your heart.
You can't get away from your heart.
Because life is a paradox.
It's a mirror of confusion.
So, love, now.

Who do you love?

I love all of you.

Life's To Do List

• Hire two private detectives. Get them to follow each other.

• Go into a crowded lift and say "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here," with a straight face.

• Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.

• Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.

• Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.

• Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.

• Buy a parrot and teach it to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!"